I might have mentioned it once or twice here (hmm……) so sorry to get a bit boring and, I really don’t mean to sound like I am gloating… but… I really do love my husband you know, and… after all this time… I fancy him like mad…..

to see his face across a room still makes me melt and…I know just what Glen the songwriter means in the bit of speech that starts this video…..

I love this song… and I love you Ed…..

Lyrics | Falling Slowly lyrics

Ed’s Dad is being transferred to a Nursing home on Monday morning…

This is good news….

I will keep you updated…

I am finding things a bit tough at the moment.

As you will know, Ed has for sometime now, taken on the burden of caring for his Dad and Mum. When I say caring for, it is not really the, looking after, feeding, dressing, nursing caring for - his Dad has been in hospital since early June and is being cared for by capable, competent nursing staff.. and his Mum is quite able to care for herself physically, but she is frail mentally. The demands she makes on Ed are, in themselves, not onerous. She does not ask of him anything. But she is gripped by this illness of Alzheimers that makes her do and say things that are not of her… it is the illness.

Whenever he is not working and is able to, Ed takes her to visit his Dad at the hospital. At the moment, there are strict rules about when you can visit and, unless you go between certain times of the evening in the week and afternoon and evening at the weekend, we are unable to visit. So each evening is taken up with collecting his Mum and taking her to the hospital to visit.

We have been waiting for what seems like for ever, for a place for him at a Nursing Home where they can care for him and where he will be able to have a bit more stimulation than lying in a hospital bed…..

My struggle is that I cannot visit him. No it is not that visiting is restricted. But I just find it so hard to see him, frail and confused, mixed up and not always in full control of his faculties. I just want to keep the picture of his smiling face in my mind and not haveit replaced by an image that haunts me, and alien person who is not the man that has been my father-in-law for the last 24 years and has been part of my life since I was 17.

And I am no better with my mother-in-law. She doesn’t really know who I am anymore. She knows that I exist. She has spoken to hubby about me. But when I have seen her the last few times, I am just another face, another one of the team of carers that come in and do things for her.. and again, I struggle.

And, so, what do I do…

I know that I SHOULD see them… but I dont.. and that makes me feel even worse.

So I do NOTHING.

But there is one thing I do.. at times like this.. and at lone moments..

And that is shed a few tears..

And I mourn a loss for something that I cannot control. That is out of our control. That has never been under our control… the theft of time.

And I grieve for my husband who will cry when he reads this… for he does not have the luxury of being able to drive his head very firmly in the sand like me….

He has to be strong. He has to be in control.

He has to be the one one that sits there whilst his mum and his dad sit together in a hospital room, each talking away about totally random and irrational matters that have little connection with reality, both talking to him, expecting answers. And he is supposed to know exactly what they are talking about and make a response.

He cannot chose not to visit. Choice is not an option. But visit he does, and you know what… I have never, ever heard him grumble or complain about it. Not once. Not ever. He is a truly wonderful man.

Things should improve a bit when FIL’s place in the home is sorted. At least he won’t be tied to restricted visiting times which will hopefully free up some evenings. We are going to try to get his Mum into the same home so that they can be back together again.. but this won’t be immediately but it is going to have happen sooner or later. There comes a time when enough really is enough, and as she is no longer able to make this decision herself, for her own safety and welfare, she cannot stay alone in the house for much longer. A tough decision. One not made lightly. But is has been made. It has to be done. And that will be one heck of a battle to overcome. But there is is.

Am I getting hard? Am I loosing my sensitivity? Am I getting selfish? Yes I probably am - but all I want is to see my husband relieved of this burden that I now feel, is getting to heavy to carry for much longer. And it is a burden that I should be helping him carry - share the load… and what do I do?

Nothing!

Nope - I am not handling this very well at all.

24 years old when we got married..

31 years of being together….

17 year old when we met

21 years old when we moved in together

29 years old when son was born

32 years old when daughter was born

2010 - the year we are 50, son will be 21 and daughter will be 18

8th September 1984 - date of the wedding

24 years - half our lives together

one of two halves..

You and me..

I love you…

xxxx

I sometimes wonder if I should shut up shop here.

I have my “real life blog” and that has not been updated for ages either..in fact, it has become more of a historical document than a real life blog.

This was meant to be a place for free expression…..It seems like life has a habit of getting in the way of the fun things…and this is turning into an extension of the other blog.

I am like a little hamster in a wheel at the moment…running round frantically …but never moving forward…only round and round.

But I know this is here.

And one day, that creative spark will re-ignite and the words will flow and…..

Until then…

I will read, and comment…but not write… for a while anyway.

Some of you out there are on my mind…

So just dropped in to say I am thinking of you…

Ed’s dad is doing fine.

Dog is too.

Busy…but still caring..and thinking…and wishing you well.

This was fun but no good unless you use flickr - though I suppose you could search google images. Please go over to KAT
to see how it is supposed to be done. My tecky hubby is at the hospital so not available for consultations so this is the best I can do….

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search.

2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image.

3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favourite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favourite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your flickr name?

Now, I don’t know how Kat managed to get her photos to display… the best I could come up with is this

The blank space is because my school is so obscure, there are no photos of it on the whole of Flickr

There was nothing for my flickr login name so this looked the best option but that is a bit random too…..

PS Number 10 - Perhaps I had better add that I don’t love “hands” most in life, it was “family”….

Oh… and Number 2 - is anything chocolate!!!!!

Thank you to anyone on Flickr that might find their images here on my blog due to this meme… all credit goes to you clever folk.

Ed’s Dad is back in hospital.

Ed had a phone call about 5.00pm to say the doctor had called and had admitted him to hospital as his blood sugar levels are dangerously high.

He has to go into hospital for treatment…. not good when you are fit and healthy - but not good at all when you are a frail 86 year old.

Anyway, Ed is at the hospital at the moment.

I am just waiting for news…

I think that a migraine that lasts one day is bad enough.

With me, they often last three days.

Recently they are dragging on for longer and I am now on my fifth day of nausea and intense pain.

I think that I am justified in feeling a little fed up with the whole thing.

Not so much Sunshine Sue today,sorry…

All fine here. Just so tired all the time.

I am now working four full days a week so no wonder really..

Oh and my husband is just SO demanding…..

Ho Hum.. what a hard life I lead……not!

Seriously though, I am finding this extra day a week a bit tough. Where as before I worked Tue, Wed and Thur , I am now working Monday’s well. The thinking behind it was that one of us has to go twice a day to the Town where we used to live to do the School run for daughter, so, as that is also where I work, I might as well work an extra day as we would be travelling there anyway. Well that was the plan anyway. I first thought that I might work five days but just work School hours so therefore finish at 3.30pm. But daughter has so many after school activities that this would not have worked as we would then have to wait around for her anyway.

Our routine is that we get up and leave the house by 8.00am. This gets her to school between 8.20 and 8.25 depending on the traffic. Registration is 8.30 and she is then supposed to finish at 3.15. Because she has her GCSE’s this year, there are many afterschool classes for catch up/revision/course-work etc so it works out that most days she comes to the office at around 4.30/5.00pm and then waits until I finish and we travel the journey home together. Somedays, if she finishes at 3.15, and he is around and not working away from home, hubby will time his daily visit to his parents to co-incide with her finish time.

She is planning to return to school for A levels which is the qualification here if you want to go on to University and we have said that she should stay at the same school rather than transfer to one nearer home. The School is very highly regarded and has excellent results and suits daughter. There is a bus that she can catch home and we have said that from September onwards, she should catch this, rather than relying on us. Afterall, she is sixteen next week and it is about time she started becoming a little more independent and less reliant on us. She is not keen, I must say… still… it is a long time until September when te new Academic year begins… and things change.

Anyway.. this is a going nowhere really post isn’t it?

Well, its about as good as it is going to get I think..